Random Thoughts #17

It's been over a year since my last post, and it has been quite the year. Family, work, and school have taken up a lot of my time, and I kept putting off blogging until I had some more free time. I have recently come to terms with the idea that that day may come for another 16 years, so I better just suck it up and write, so here goes nothing.

1. Someone once told me that living with a toddler is like having a drunk person in the house. If that is true (and I assume it is), having twin toddlers is like being the sober one at a bachelor/bachelorette party. I break up fights, make them put their clothes back on, stop them from climbing on things and jumping off, They eat at odd hours, cry and scream a lot, and you can't always be sure where or when they went to the bathroom.

2. Two year olds say some very entertaining things. When I smell dirty pants and ask Grayson if he pooped, his two go-to replies are "nope, just farts," or "it's Avery."

3. Avery will rarely pass up the opportunity to kick me directly in the face. She finds it hilarious that it makes me so mad.

4. Humans, by nature, have some very sensitive areas on their bodies: stomach, eyes, nose, toes, genitalia, etc. Toddler seem to know this innately, and aim their jumps, kicks, and swings to target these areas. I'm like Jean Claude Van Damme in Kickboxer, always ready to protect.

5. The twins run like they have no control of their upper limbs. Our backyard has a gentle slope, and every so often, while running down the slope, their top halves will get moving faster than their bottom halves, and they'll wipe out. When they do, it looks more like a skier falling than someone running. There are limbs and shoes flying everywhere, and they usually manage to hit face first.

6. Speaking of shoes...Grayson has some interesting taste in footwear. For about three months during the winter, his preferred look was one of Avery's light purple snow boots (the right one, to be exact) matched with whatever random shoe he happened to grab out of the closet. He finally gave it up when Aunt Leslie and Uncle Lance got him a pair of cowboy boots for his birthday.

7. We are in the beginning stages of potty training. Avery has excellent enthusiasm, but her timing could use some work. She does pretty well letting us know when she has to go potty, but with poop, it's a total crap shoot, both literally and metaphorically. It's just as likely to end up in the bathtub or on the bathroom floor as it is in the potty chair.

8. One of Grayson's favorite things to do outside is throw a ball over the fence and laugh while someone goes to get it. Several weeks ago, he was carrying around a full-size soccer ball and decided he would try it. He took a running start, threw the ball, and it hit about halfway up the fence and bounced right back and hit him in the face. It dropped him like a ton of bricks. I was in the middle of a nasty respiratory infection, and I nearly passed out from laughing/coughing so hard.

9. In my early blogs, my propensity for getting hit with the twins' bodily fluids was a common theme. I am happy to say that I have not been peed on, pooped on, or puked on in about a year.

10. One steadfast rule of parenting: never trust a quiet toddler. The other day, we were watching TV downstairs, and Grayson wandered upstairs. I didn't really take much notice until I couldn't hear him anymore. I ran upstairs, and I found Mr. Grayson up on the counter, helping himself to a sucker. He was extremely please with himself.

11. It is absolutely amazing how quickly young children adapt to technology. Last week, Grayson plopped down in my lap, took my phone, and told me he would "watch horsey videos on YouTube."

12. Miss Avery has a wonderful habit of repeating things I say to her when I am mad. It started off with her yelling "No, no, no, Daddy!" while shaking her finger at me. Recently, she has added some larger phrases. When I wouldn't let her out of her booster seat, she told me she would put me in timeout and give me a spanking. Also, she lets Grayson know when she isn't happy with him by yelling "Stop doing that, Grayson!"

13. I have forgotten what it feels like to be bored. Toddlers are the human embodiment of Parkinson's Law. The job of parenting will always expand to fill the voids and free time in our lives, and I ouldn't be happier about it, even if I get a little grumpy about it sometimes.

Random Thoughts #16

My oh my, how time does fly when you have children. Tracy and I were talking about how quickly time has passed lately, and she mentioned my blog. I've been so busy with babies, work, and school that I haven't given even a moment's thought to the blog. I blinked and a month and a half just vanished. Yikes. Thankfully that time has given me plenty of new material, so here we go with some more random thoughts. 

- The twins have started to play together. They even play a game. It goes something like this: Avery finds a toy she likes and begins playing with it or chewing on it. Almost immediately, from wherever in the room he happens to be, Grayson rushes over, rips the toy out of her hand, and beats her over the head with it. Avery cries, Grayson laughs like it's the funniest thing ever, and everyone has a great time. 

- Did I mention chewing? the teeth have started to come, and they haven't stopped. It's like having two Rottweiler puppies in the house (just slightly less destructive). They chew on EVERYTHING. Shoes, furniture, toys, my hair, each other...all fair game. 

- They have also discovered stairs, and they can't seem to stay away. Going up is a snap. Going down...not so much. A couple of weeks a go, both twins went down the stairs head over heels within 24 hours. Their father also took a tumble down the stairs that weekend (while holding Avery). Luckily, I went down the whole way on my tush. If you were taking bets on the only family member to NOT fall down the stairs, I think my wife would have been quite the long shot to win. But such is life with twins. 

- In a span of two months, my lovable, sweet boys has turned into a monster (I say that in the most loving way). He spent the first eight months of his life patiently watching, smiling, and giggling. He has spent the last two months tearing into anything he can and screaming at the top of his lungs when he doesn't get what he wants. Someone angered Bruce, and it looks like the Hulk might be here for a while. 

- For Christmas, the twins got approximately 729 new toys, most of which require batteries and make some sort of irritating noise. All of this wonderful technology, and what did they want to play with? The wrapping paper and bows.

- On a similar note, our house is now filled with toys. There are toys everywhere. There are dozens of things to entertain these children, and still their absolute favorite thing to do is empty all of the stuff our of the diaper "station" we have in the living room. It's been emptied and filled at least 200 times in the last 2 months. 

- Just this morning, after giving Avery her bottle, I decided I'd change her in my lap. The lights were off, and visibility was not great, so I was basically doing it by feel. As I was taking the old diaper off, I heard something drop on the couch. I figured it was her pacifier, so I reached to grab it. Instead of a pacifier, I got a big old handful of turd. Just how I wanted to start my Thursday morning. 

Random Thoughts #15

Its been over a month since the last post. All sorts of interesting things have happened during that time, so let's get right to it.

- A few weeks ago the twins started daycare. Right on cue, they both came down with colds. Since that time, they have been human snot machines.

- Along with the snot faucets, they have both had coughs for a few weeks. This by itself is not so bad, but they have had a tendency to cough as they're being burped, which has greatly increased the frequency of projectile vomiting in the Smith house. Last week, they both managed to deposit the entire contents of their stomachs (surprisingly large) on me within an hour of each other.

- Speaking of throwing up, I took the babies to their first basketball game on Friday. Beforehand, we stopped at Pizza Ranch, where Grandma fed Miss Avery mashed potatoes...and gravy...and pudding...and cheese bread. During the game, Avery was fussing like she was hungry, so I fed her a bottle. Guess what happened! She managed to soak herself, me, and had enough left over for a nice-sized puddle on the bleachers. I had no idea such a little body could hold so much stuff.

- Continuing on the gross/funny/snot theme, the other morning I was feeding Grayson, and I felt I had a loose booger halfway out of my nose. While continuing to feed him, I attempted to blow the booger out into my hand. I felt it leave my nose, but when I looked in my hand, there was nothing, not even a trace. I checked my shirt, my face, my arms, and the booger in question was nowhere to be found. A few minutes later, as I was changing Grayson, I noticed a dark spot above his left eye. Turns out the booger didn't disappear after all.

- Both twins have discovered a game that they absolutely love. It's called "Find something filled with stuff, and pull all the stuff out and chew on it." Toy box, diaper bag, clothes basket, wipe holder...all fair game.

- Black Friday found me home with two sick babies. Grayson and I were upstairs, and I had just made him a bottle. I had him in my left arm, and the bottle in my right hand. Avery was SCREAMING downstairs, so I was hurrying to get down their. In my rush I must have forgotten about those pesky stairs. I missed the first one, and since I had nothing to catch myself with, proceeded down the stairs on my butt, bouncing on each and every one. Neither the baby or the bottle were harmed.

- We have toys everywhere in our house. Toys of every size, shape, color, and type imaginable. All of those choices, and their favorite thing to play with, without a doubt, is a car seat. I swear it's like the world's funnest carnival ride to them.

- Evidently, large amounts of Pedialyte in a baby's diet can have some unusual side effects. Namely, it turns their poop blue and gives it a metallic hue. It honestly looked like Avery had pooped a chunk of blue Play-do covered with glitter.

Random Thoughts #14

- We had our first professional family pictures recently. As you can see, both twins were really impressed by the whole ordeal.

- Miss Avery is now crawling everywhere. Within two days of crawling, she had already tried, and nearly succeeded, in climbing the stairs. I think our lives are about to get a whole lot more interesting.

- Grayson has no interest whatsoever in crawling. I can't say I blame him. If I could get someone to pick me up and carry me everywhere, I'd pretend like I couldn't crawl, too.

- Grayson's favorite activity is jumping in his jumper. The other day he was bouncing and Avery crawled over to explore. Turns out Grayson isn't really concerned with what's underneath him when he jumps, as Avery received three sharp thumps on the head from the bouncer.

- She has also managed to crawl under/get thumped by the following items: the Exersaucer, the swing, the basement wall, the recliner, and my foot.

- Speaking of recliners, we now have to check for babies and dogs before we close them. The other day Tracy closed the couch recliner while Bailey was under it, and Avery seems determined to crawl all the way under the chair while someone is sitting in it.

- We have started taking baths in the regular tub. The first time Avery was in there, she immediately tried to take a drink of bath water. Her technique, while effective, could use a little work. Her "drink" involved a headlong dive, mouth wide open, into the water. After she finished couching and sputtering, she spent her remaining bath time trying to eat soap suds.

- We have been experimenting with a wide variety of solid foods. Words cannot describe some of the diapers that have appeared as a result.

- Along with eating solid food, they also seem determined to eat the plant we have downstairs. They have both ripped off chunks of leaf and put them in their mouths. I'm just hoping it's not poisonous. Avery has also seen fit to chew/suck on the following: remote, cell phone, knobs on the TV stand, computer cords, and my nose.

- Tracy bought little boots for the twins last week. This was significant for two reasons. First, Avery is absolutely TERRIFIED of her sparkly pink boots. She screams whenever they are in sight. Second, Grayson's "boy boots" were actually gray boots with fur around the top and black jewels all over them. Turns our Gordman's didn't have any boys boots, so Tracy thought these would be an acceptable alternative. I do not agree with this.

Random Thoughts #13

- I have nicknamed Grayson "The Hulk" when he gets tired. Without warning, he turns into a screaming, thrashing beast, who grabs anything in sight and tries to smash it or pinch it to death.

- When Avery gets tired, she is like a zombie with her legs shot off. She drags herself around the room moaning and chewing on anything she can get her hands on.

- My entire daily schedule has basically shifted backwards about 2 hours. I wake up around 4:45, and if anything after 9:00 is now considered "late at night." If you would have told me this 10 years ago, 21 year old me would have laughed and thought you were crazy.

- There is nothing worse than hearing a loud thump come from the room where the babies are. The other day, I put Grayson on the bed downstairs thinking he was asleep. About five minutes later, I heard a loud thump, immediately followed by a blood-curdling scream and crying. He had fallen off of the bed, but luckily just got the wind knocked out of him. Boy, did I feel like a jackass.

- Their poop has gotten so stinky that if they aren't changed immediately after the deed, their onesies and sleepers/pants smell so bad they need to be changed as well. It also sticks like glue to any exposed surfaces, including skin. I have to be very careful where I place the dirty diaper while cleaning them, because they just love to stomp their feet while I do it. I'll leave it to you to paint a mental picture of what happens when they hit the diaper.

- As I mentioned before, Avery loves to chew on anything she happens to come across. Several times I have caught her chewing on Bailey's rawhide bones.

- I have a sneaking suspicion Grayson learned to use my iPad when I wasn't looking. I was playing Candy Crush with him in my lap, and he started mashing buttons on the keyboard. He managed to start a slide show of my camera roll, and then about five seconds later, he mashed some more buttons and it went right back to Candy Crush. I tried for a couple minutes and I couldn't replicate his feat.

- Tracy and I had a date on Friday. Our agenda: dinner out and a trip to target for diapers and baby food.

Random Thoughts #12

- Several weeks ago, Avery discovered that if she purses her lips and blows, it makes a funny noise and shoots slobber everywhere, which she enjoys immensely.

- The other day, I was feeding her, and she decided to do her blowing trick, only she did it with a mouthful of sweet potatoes. She managed to get most of the mouthful on me and the surrounding area. Being the mature adult that I am, I took the next spoonful and launched it at her. You can see the results at the left.

- Grayson managed to push himself up into referee's position this week. I could not have been more proud. He did, however, seem quite confused when I started wrestling with him. We'll have to work on that part.

- Both babies love it when I sing to them, and they enjoy my rapping even more. There is a distinct possibility that their first words could be a Snoop Dogg lyric. I can't wait.

- We are getting closer and closer to crawling babies. Even without crawling, both have their own ways of getting somewhere. Grayson has mastered the backwards push. He moves well, but it's usually in exactly the opposite direction he is trying to move. Avery has better accuracy, but she resembles someone trying to put out a clothing fire...rolls, stomps, screaming, etc.

- Baby wrangling can be tiring work, but I can't even begin to describe how good it feels to have two babies fall asleep in your arms. It makes all the screaming, spitting, kicking, and pinching (thanks, Grayson) all worth it.

- Yes, I am actually sleeping in the picture as well. Parenting twins has led to some very interesting body positions during naps.

- Did I mention it's tiring? I actually just fell asleep while typing. I think that's my sign to go to bed.

Random Thoughts #11

- I am fairly proficient at algebra, geometry, and statistics, yet children's clothing sizes beyond 9-12 months baffle me. I bought some clothes for the twins, and the good news is that they'll fit...in the summer of 2014.

- Avery treats eating solid food like a baseball team treats a pennant celebration, only instead of champagne, it sweet potatoes flying all over the room. 

- If given the chance, Avery will launch herself headfirst towards daylight anytime she's not held/strapped down. She's already managed to climb/tumble out of her bouncer (several times), her Bumbo seat, and my arms. Luckily she's landed unharmed each time. I think she may be a handful once she's mobile. 

- The twins attended their first football game last week. I think I may have seen 10% of the game, and that's a generous estimate. 

- It's getting hard to tell the difference between Grayson's farts and my own. 

- We are in the midst of a slobber epidemic. If left unchecked, this epidemic is capable of soaking an entire set on infant clothes by noon. It has also been known to spread to parents' clothing, often without their knowledge. Bibs seem to slow down the flow, but a cure is not in the foreseeable future. 

- The introduction of solid food into their diets has done some interesting things to their poopy diapers. It's like Let's Make a Deal, only instead of varying prizes behind each door, it's poop. Smelly, colorful poop.