Random Thoughts #19

Back with another blog, this time after a much shorter turnaround. I've finally gotten back into the habit of writing things down as soon as they happen. If I don't, they get jumbled around in my head or lost altogether. Kids (and especially twins, I think) make your brain work in peculiar ways. Anyway, on to the good stuff.

- Grayson has a peculiar reaction when he gets overly excited. He clenches his fists, tenses his whole body, and sort of leans forward with his mouth open. We refer to these episodes as "excitement seizures." It's like he gets so excited that his body just shuts down and can't do anything but tense up.

- Living with two year olds means there is never a shortage of interesting conversations. Submitted without comment (these are separate conversations):
   
     Grayson (while sitting on the potty chair): "What's that?"
     Me: "That's your penis."
     Grayson: "Oh, I don't want that to fall off."
     Me: "You're absolutely right."
     Grayson: "You have one, too."
     Me: "Yup, sure do."
     Grayson: "You don't want that to fall off either."
     Me: "........."


     Avery (holding her doll, Amy): "Where's Amy?"
     Me: "You're holding her."
     Avery: "Oh. What are you doing?"
     Me: "I'm cooking supper."
     Avery: "Oh. Where's Amy?
     Me: "She's right there, in your hand."
     Avery: "Oh. What are you doing?"
     Me: "Cooking."
     Avery: "Oh. Where's Amy?"
     Me: "...incoherent mumbling..."

- We were eating supper the other night, and Grayson started smearing soup all over his face with his spoon. Grandma Jody asked him why he was doing that. His response: "Because my ears don't work."

- Grayson can go from playing quietly ans sharing with his sister to trashing the basement like Godzilla through Tokyo in a matter of seconds. It's like he temporarily loses his mind. The Y chromosome is a fickle beast.

- I remember back to before I had children, and I remember going to visit friends who had kids. I remember seeing their yards strewn with toys and thinking that they must either be lazy or just not care what their yards looked like. Boy was I a fool. On a good day, my yard looks like a used-toy junkyard, and on a bad day, it looks like a toy eating giant barfed all over the yard.

- There is a direct correlation between how much Grayson likes a toy and how much havoc he is able to wreak using said toy. His current favorites: a foam samurai sword and a playschool buggy that he crashes into everything.

- Here is a picture of him using his sword. Notice how his arm is twisted through his shirt in an odd way. If you should ever encounter him like this in the wild, it's best if you let him go on his way. It's usually a good indicator that he's about to enter "Godzilla" mode or "take off your pants and roar like a lion" mode.

- Miss Avery recently learned to sing her ABCs. She does a great job, for the most part, but struggles with the LMNOP in the middle. When she sings it, it sort of sounds like sh has a mouthful of oatmeal and doesn't want to let any fall out.

- Avery also loves to sing along with songs and prayers, but she isn't always sure of the right words. Instead, she sort of mumbles random sounds until she comes to a part she knows. It reminds me of drunk people singing along with "We didn't start the fire" or "It's the end of the world as we know it."

- At the end of the day, one thing is certain. Two year olds make the best snuggle partners.

Random Thoughts #17

It's been over a year since my last post, and it has been quite the year. Family, work, and school have taken up a lot of my time, and I kept putting off blogging until I had some more free time. I have recently come to terms with the idea that that day may come for another 16 years, so I better just suck it up and write, so here goes nothing.

1. Someone once told me that living with a toddler is like having a drunk person in the house. If that is true (and I assume it is), having twin toddlers is like being the sober one at a bachelor/bachelorette party. I break up fights, make them put their clothes back on, stop them from climbing on things and jumping off, They eat at odd hours, cry and scream a lot, and you can't always be sure where or when they went to the bathroom.

2. Two year olds say some very entertaining things. When I smell dirty pants and ask Grayson if he pooped, his two go-to replies are "nope, just farts," or "it's Avery."

3. Avery will rarely pass up the opportunity to kick me directly in the face. She finds it hilarious that it makes me so mad.

4. Humans, by nature, have some very sensitive areas on their bodies: stomach, eyes, nose, toes, genitalia, etc. Toddler seem to know this innately, and aim their jumps, kicks, and swings to target these areas. I'm like Jean Claude Van Damme in Kickboxer, always ready to protect.

5. The twins run like they have no control of their upper limbs. Our backyard has a gentle slope, and every so often, while running down the slope, their top halves will get moving faster than their bottom halves, and they'll wipe out. When they do, it looks more like a skier falling than someone running. There are limbs and shoes flying everywhere, and they usually manage to hit face first.

6. Speaking of shoes...Grayson has some interesting taste in footwear. For about three months during the winter, his preferred look was one of Avery's light purple snow boots (the right one, to be exact) matched with whatever random shoe he happened to grab out of the closet. He finally gave it up when Aunt Leslie and Uncle Lance got him a pair of cowboy boots for his birthday.

7. We are in the beginning stages of potty training. Avery has excellent enthusiasm, but her timing could use some work. She does pretty well letting us know when she has to go potty, but with poop, it's a total crap shoot, both literally and metaphorically. It's just as likely to end up in the bathtub or on the bathroom floor as it is in the potty chair.

8. One of Grayson's favorite things to do outside is throw a ball over the fence and laugh while someone goes to get it. Several weeks ago, he was carrying around a full-size soccer ball and decided he would try it. He took a running start, threw the ball, and it hit about halfway up the fence and bounced right back and hit him in the face. It dropped him like a ton of bricks. I was in the middle of a nasty respiratory infection, and I nearly passed out from laughing/coughing so hard.

9. In my early blogs, my propensity for getting hit with the twins' bodily fluids was a common theme. I am happy to say that I have not been peed on, pooped on, or puked on in about a year.

10. One steadfast rule of parenting: never trust a quiet toddler. The other day, we were watching TV downstairs, and Grayson wandered upstairs. I didn't really take much notice until I couldn't hear him anymore. I ran upstairs, and I found Mr. Grayson up on the counter, helping himself to a sucker. He was extremely please with himself.

11. It is absolutely amazing how quickly young children adapt to technology. Last week, Grayson plopped down in my lap, took my phone, and told me he would "watch horsey videos on YouTube."

12. Miss Avery has a wonderful habit of repeating things I say to her when I am mad. It started off with her yelling "No, no, no, Daddy!" while shaking her finger at me. Recently, she has added some larger phrases. When I wouldn't let her out of her booster seat, she told me she would put me in timeout and give me a spanking. Also, she lets Grayson know when she isn't happy with him by yelling "Stop doing that, Grayson!"

13. I have forgotten what it feels like to be bored. Toddlers are the human embodiment of Parkinson's Law. The job of parenting will always expand to fill the voids and free time in our lives, and I ouldn't be happier about it, even if I get a little grumpy about it sometimes.

Random Thoughts #12

- Several weeks ago, Avery discovered that if she purses her lips and blows, it makes a funny noise and shoots slobber everywhere, which she enjoys immensely.

- The other day, I was feeding her, and she decided to do her blowing trick, only she did it with a mouthful of sweet potatoes. She managed to get most of the mouthful on me and the surrounding area. Being the mature adult that I am, I took the next spoonful and launched it at her. You can see the results at the left.

- Grayson managed to push himself up into referee's position this week. I could not have been more proud. He did, however, seem quite confused when I started wrestling with him. We'll have to work on that part.

- Both babies love it when I sing to them, and they enjoy my rapping even more. There is a distinct possibility that their first words could be a Snoop Dogg lyric. I can't wait.

- We are getting closer and closer to crawling babies. Even without crawling, both have their own ways of getting somewhere. Grayson has mastered the backwards push. He moves well, but it's usually in exactly the opposite direction he is trying to move. Avery has better accuracy, but she resembles someone trying to put out a clothing fire...rolls, stomps, screaming, etc.

- Baby wrangling can be tiring work, but I can't even begin to describe how good it feels to have two babies fall asleep in your arms. It makes all the screaming, spitting, kicking, and pinching (thanks, Grayson) all worth it.

- Yes, I am actually sleeping in the picture as well. Parenting twins has led to some very interesting body positions during naps.

- Did I mention it's tiring? I actually just fell asleep while typing. I think that's my sign to go to bed.

Random Thoughts #8

- No matter what kind of day I'm having, or how fussy the kids have been, seeing them smile like this absolutely makes my day.

- Beware of these smiles, they are used to divert attention away from smelly diapers and plots to undermine your sanity.

- I have rapidly changed sides from the "I can't believe you just set your baby in front of the TV" group to the "anything to keep them entertained that doesn't require effort from me" group.

- Last night one of the babies farted so loud it made both of them cry. It's nice to know I'm not the only one whose farts cause crying.

- Avery rolled over for the first time on Father's Day. Of course she decided to do it while sleeping alone at Grandma's house, so no one got to see it.

-  Having people wish me a happy Father's Day feels very weird. The whole day I felt like I sneaked into a party I wasn't supposed to be at.

- The babies have started wearing actual outfits rather than sleepers every day. If I had my way, they would wear sleepers until they were old enough to choose their own clothes and dress themselves.

- This change in wardrobe happens right when I am starting to get very good at those stupid little snaps on their sleepers.

- It absolutely amazes me to see the changes that these babies go through on a daily basis. It's hard to believe they are almost three months old already. I can't wait to see what fatherhood has in store for me next.

Random Thoughts #7

- When both twins wake up in the morning at the same time, our house resembles a circus, complete with screaming/crying/laughing children, the smell of poop, flashing lights, music only children can enjoy, animals (our dog Bailey), and a balancing act (performed by me). I guess you could say I am the ringmaster of this madness.

- The best way I have found to soothe Avery when she is crying is to pick her up and walk laps around our main floor. The loop is so short that if I look down while I'm walking, I get dizzy. This is not a good thing to have happen while walking with an infant.

- Avery also likes to eat while I am walking her around. I am wearing a trail in the carpet.

- While walking, I did some calculations. Each lap is about 40 feet long, which means 132 laps = 1 mile. My average pace is about 5 laps per minute, which would mean I walk a mile every 26 minutes or so. Each feeding/therapy session/walking lullaby takes about 15-20 minutes, and I do it at least 4 times a day. That puts me between 2 - 3 miles a day...in my living room.

- I apologize for all that math, it won't happen again.

- The other morning my two babies were like dueling banjo players, only instead of banjos they were farting back and forth. I could not have been more proud.

- Recently the babies began sleeping through the night regularly. I can not tell you how happy this made me.

- Grayson lets out random grunts/yells in his sleep. I'd like to think he's dreaming of something manly...like wrestling alligators. It's much more likely he's either pooping or dreaming of pooping.

- Avery recently let me know how she was feeling through the use of sign language. She might be a prodigy:

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Random Thoughts #5

- My daughter’s sleepy eyes and facial expressions remind me a lot of Spike from The Land Before Time and Oogway from Kung Fu Panda.

- There are times when I would swear both twins are plotting against me. This thought usually occurs while I am trying to take a nap. Their timing (taking turns crying/fussing/screaming) is just a little too perfect for my liking.

- You know it’s time to give the kids a bath when the dog keeps trying to lick them. It is not an affectionate lick, it’s the one she gives to the empty peanut butter jar.

- My daughter spends about .001% of her day sitting still. Even while she is sleeping, she is constantly moving or grunting. My son, on the other hand, spends about 90% of his day in a semi-comatose state. Even when he eats, his body is completely limp/relaxed except for his mouth.

- Changing diapers while the baby is laying in your lap is just asking for trouble. It only took me four changes of clothes to figure that one out.

- Having male “equipment” never seemed all that inconvenient for me until I had to clean up my son after a full diaper. And when I say full, I mean “poop coming out the leg hole because there’s no more room” full.

- On Saturday, Tracy and I had our first “date” since the birth of the twins. We went out to eat, and then went to get groceries. Welcome to parenthood.

- The other day Grayson woke himself up from a nap with a particularly loud fart. The apple did not fall far from the tree at all. I could not have been more proud.

Three Weeks Old!