Random Thoughts #16

My oh my, how time does fly when you have children. Tracy and I were talking about how quickly time has passed lately, and she mentioned my blog. I've been so busy with babies, work, and school that I haven't given even a moment's thought to the blog. I blinked and a month and a half just vanished. Yikes. Thankfully that time has given me plenty of new material, so here we go with some more random thoughts. 

- The twins have started to play together. They even play a game. It goes something like this: Avery finds a toy she likes and begins playing with it or chewing on it. Almost immediately, from wherever in the room he happens to be, Grayson rushes over, rips the toy out of her hand, and beats her over the head with it. Avery cries, Grayson laughs like it's the funniest thing ever, and everyone has a great time. 

- Did I mention chewing? the teeth have started to come, and they haven't stopped. It's like having two Rottweiler puppies in the house (just slightly less destructive). They chew on EVERYTHING. Shoes, furniture, toys, my hair, each other...all fair game. 

- They have also discovered stairs, and they can't seem to stay away. Going up is a snap. Going down...not so much. A couple of weeks a go, both twins went down the stairs head over heels within 24 hours. Their father also took a tumble down the stairs that weekend (while holding Avery). Luckily, I went down the whole way on my tush. If you were taking bets on the only family member to NOT fall down the stairs, I think my wife would have been quite the long shot to win. But such is life with twins. 

- In a span of two months, my lovable, sweet boys has turned into a monster (I say that in the most loving way). He spent the first eight months of his life patiently watching, smiling, and giggling. He has spent the last two months tearing into anything he can and screaming at the top of his lungs when he doesn't get what he wants. Someone angered Bruce, and it looks like the Hulk might be here for a while. 

- For Christmas, the twins got approximately 729 new toys, most of which require batteries and make some sort of irritating noise. All of this wonderful technology, and what did they want to play with? The wrapping paper and bows.

- On a similar note, our house is now filled with toys. There are toys everywhere. There are dozens of things to entertain these children, and still their absolute favorite thing to do is empty all of the stuff our of the diaper "station" we have in the living room. It's been emptied and filled at least 200 times in the last 2 months. 

- Just this morning, after giving Avery her bottle, I decided I'd change her in my lap. The lights were off, and visibility was not great, so I was basically doing it by feel. As I was taking the old diaper off, I heard something drop on the couch. I figured it was her pacifier, so I reached to grab it. Instead of a pacifier, I got a big old handful of turd. Just how I wanted to start my Thursday morning. 

Random Thoughts #15

Its been over a month since the last post. All sorts of interesting things have happened during that time, so let's get right to it.

- A few weeks ago the twins started daycare. Right on cue, they both came down with colds. Since that time, they have been human snot machines.

- Along with the snot faucets, they have both had coughs for a few weeks. This by itself is not so bad, but they have had a tendency to cough as they're being burped, which has greatly increased the frequency of projectile vomiting in the Smith house. Last week, they both managed to deposit the entire contents of their stomachs (surprisingly large) on me within an hour of each other.

- Speaking of throwing up, I took the babies to their first basketball game on Friday. Beforehand, we stopped at Pizza Ranch, where Grandma fed Miss Avery mashed potatoes...and gravy...and pudding...and cheese bread. During the game, Avery was fussing like she was hungry, so I fed her a bottle. Guess what happened! She managed to soak herself, me, and had enough left over for a nice-sized puddle on the bleachers. I had no idea such a little body could hold so much stuff.

- Continuing on the gross/funny/snot theme, the other morning I was feeding Grayson, and I felt I had a loose booger halfway out of my nose. While continuing to feed him, I attempted to blow the booger out into my hand. I felt it leave my nose, but when I looked in my hand, there was nothing, not even a trace. I checked my shirt, my face, my arms, and the booger in question was nowhere to be found. A few minutes later, as I was changing Grayson, I noticed a dark spot above his left eye. Turns out the booger didn't disappear after all.

- Both twins have discovered a game that they absolutely love. It's called "Find something filled with stuff, and pull all the stuff out and chew on it." Toy box, diaper bag, clothes basket, wipe holder...all fair game.

- Black Friday found me home with two sick babies. Grayson and I were upstairs, and I had just made him a bottle. I had him in my left arm, and the bottle in my right hand. Avery was SCREAMING downstairs, so I was hurrying to get down their. In my rush I must have forgotten about those pesky stairs. I missed the first one, and since I had nothing to catch myself with, proceeded down the stairs on my butt, bouncing on each and every one. Neither the baby or the bottle were harmed.

- We have toys everywhere in our house. Toys of every size, shape, color, and type imaginable. All of those choices, and their favorite thing to play with, without a doubt, is a car seat. I swear it's like the world's funnest carnival ride to them.

- Evidently, large amounts of Pedialyte in a baby's diet can have some unusual side effects. Namely, it turns their poop blue and gives it a metallic hue. It honestly looked like Avery had pooped a chunk of blue Play-do covered with glitter.

Random Thoughts #14

- We had our first professional family pictures recently. As you can see, both twins were really impressed by the whole ordeal.

- Miss Avery is now crawling everywhere. Within two days of crawling, she had already tried, and nearly succeeded, in climbing the stairs. I think our lives are about to get a whole lot more interesting.

- Grayson has no interest whatsoever in crawling. I can't say I blame him. If I could get someone to pick me up and carry me everywhere, I'd pretend like I couldn't crawl, too.

- Grayson's favorite activity is jumping in his jumper. The other day he was bouncing and Avery crawled over to explore. Turns out Grayson isn't really concerned with what's underneath him when he jumps, as Avery received three sharp thumps on the head from the bouncer.

- She has also managed to crawl under/get thumped by the following items: the Exersaucer, the swing, the basement wall, the recliner, and my foot.

- Speaking of recliners, we now have to check for babies and dogs before we close them. The other day Tracy closed the couch recliner while Bailey was under it, and Avery seems determined to crawl all the way under the chair while someone is sitting in it.

- We have started taking baths in the regular tub. The first time Avery was in there, she immediately tried to take a drink of bath water. Her technique, while effective, could use a little work. Her "drink" involved a headlong dive, mouth wide open, into the water. After she finished couching and sputtering, she spent her remaining bath time trying to eat soap suds.

- We have been experimenting with a wide variety of solid foods. Words cannot describe some of the diapers that have appeared as a result.

- Along with eating solid food, they also seem determined to eat the plant we have downstairs. They have both ripped off chunks of leaf and put them in their mouths. I'm just hoping it's not poisonous. Avery has also seen fit to chew/suck on the following: remote, cell phone, knobs on the TV stand, computer cords, and my nose.

- Tracy bought little boots for the twins last week. This was significant for two reasons. First, Avery is absolutely TERRIFIED of her sparkly pink boots. She screams whenever they are in sight. Second, Grayson's "boy boots" were actually gray boots with fur around the top and black jewels all over them. Turns our Gordman's didn't have any boys boots, so Tracy thought these would be an acceptable alternative. I do not agree with this.

Random Thoughts #13

- I have nicknamed Grayson "The Hulk" when he gets tired. Without warning, he turns into a screaming, thrashing beast, who grabs anything in sight and tries to smash it or pinch it to death.

- When Avery gets tired, she is like a zombie with her legs shot off. She drags herself around the room moaning and chewing on anything she can get her hands on.

- My entire daily schedule has basically shifted backwards about 2 hours. I wake up around 4:45, and if anything after 9:00 is now considered "late at night." If you would have told me this 10 years ago, 21 year old me would have laughed and thought you were crazy.

- There is nothing worse than hearing a loud thump come from the room where the babies are. The other day, I put Grayson on the bed downstairs thinking he was asleep. About five minutes later, I heard a loud thump, immediately followed by a blood-curdling scream and crying. He had fallen off of the bed, but luckily just got the wind knocked out of him. Boy, did I feel like a jackass.

- Their poop has gotten so stinky that if they aren't changed immediately after the deed, their onesies and sleepers/pants smell so bad they need to be changed as well. It also sticks like glue to any exposed surfaces, including skin. I have to be very careful where I place the dirty diaper while cleaning them, because they just love to stomp their feet while I do it. I'll leave it to you to paint a mental picture of what happens when they hit the diaper.

- As I mentioned before, Avery loves to chew on anything she happens to come across. Several times I have caught her chewing on Bailey's rawhide bones.

- I have a sneaking suspicion Grayson learned to use my iPad when I wasn't looking. I was playing Candy Crush with him in my lap, and he started mashing buttons on the keyboard. He managed to start a slide show of my camera roll, and then about five seconds later, he mashed some more buttons and it went right back to Candy Crush. I tried for a couple minutes and I couldn't replicate his feat.

- Tracy and I had a date on Friday. Our agenda: dinner out and a trip to target for diapers and baby food.

Random Thoughts #12

- Several weeks ago, Avery discovered that if she purses her lips and blows, it makes a funny noise and shoots slobber everywhere, which she enjoys immensely.

- The other day, I was feeding her, and she decided to do her blowing trick, only she did it with a mouthful of sweet potatoes. She managed to get most of the mouthful on me and the surrounding area. Being the mature adult that I am, I took the next spoonful and launched it at her. You can see the results at the left.

- Grayson managed to push himself up into referee's position this week. I could not have been more proud. He did, however, seem quite confused when I started wrestling with him. We'll have to work on that part.

- Both babies love it when I sing to them, and they enjoy my rapping even more. There is a distinct possibility that their first words could be a Snoop Dogg lyric. I can't wait.

- We are getting closer and closer to crawling babies. Even without crawling, both have their own ways of getting somewhere. Grayson has mastered the backwards push. He moves well, but it's usually in exactly the opposite direction he is trying to move. Avery has better accuracy, but she resembles someone trying to put out a clothing fire...rolls, stomps, screaming, etc.

- Baby wrangling can be tiring work, but I can't even begin to describe how good it feels to have two babies fall asleep in your arms. It makes all the screaming, spitting, kicking, and pinching (thanks, Grayson) all worth it.

- Yes, I am actually sleeping in the picture as well. Parenting twins has led to some very interesting body positions during naps.

- Did I mention it's tiring? I actually just fell asleep while typing. I think that's my sign to go to bed.

Random Thoughts #11

- I am fairly proficient at algebra, geometry, and statistics, yet children's clothing sizes beyond 9-12 months baffle me. I bought some clothes for the twins, and the good news is that they'll fit...in the summer of 2014.

- Avery treats eating solid food like a baseball team treats a pennant celebration, only instead of champagne, it sweet potatoes flying all over the room. 

- If given the chance, Avery will launch herself headfirst towards daylight anytime she's not held/strapped down. She's already managed to climb/tumble out of her bouncer (several times), her Bumbo seat, and my arms. Luckily she's landed unharmed each time. I think she may be a handful once she's mobile. 

- The twins attended their first football game last week. I think I may have seen 10% of the game, and that's a generous estimate. 

- It's getting hard to tell the difference between Grayson's farts and my own. 

- We are in the midst of a slobber epidemic. If left unchecked, this epidemic is capable of soaking an entire set on infant clothes by noon. It has also been known to spread to parents' clothing, often without their knowledge. Bibs seem to slow down the flow, but a cure is not in the foreseeable future. 

- The introduction of solid food into their diets has done some interesting things to their poopy diapers. It's like Let's Make a Deal, only instead of varying prizes behind each door, it's poop. Smelly, colorful poop.

Random Thoughts #10

- I have made two attempts at clipping my children's fingernails. The first ended in uncontrollable screaming (hers, not mine) after one nail. The second ended with blood and some missing skin on Grayson's left thumb. Never again.

- The other night, just to remind everyone who is really in charge, Avery woke up at 11:30, 12:15, 1:30, and 4:00. I really need to stop telling everyone she sleeps through the night. She has ways of finding things out and making me pay.

- Grayson has some sharp little fingernails, and he is not even the least bit choosy about what he sinks them into. He has made me yelp several times. I had to stifle the urge to pinch him back.

- Sometimes, as a parent, all you want in the entire world is for your child(ren) to take a nap. The more you wish for it, the harder it is to get them to sleep. You wrap them up, they cry. You walk them around, they cry harder. You rock them, they scream. Finally, after thirty minutes of grinding your teeth and stifling curse words, they fall asleep in your arms. With the utmost care, you place them gently in their bed, and...the devious little turds pop awake and smile at you, like the whole thing was a big joke.

- In the dark while mostly asleep, I can get out of bed, walk to the nursery, put a pacifier in a baby's mouth, proceed downstairs and make a bottle, and feed said baby, all without stumbling or making a peep. In broad daylight, while wide awake, I have been known to misjudge the number of steps in my own home and fall both up and down the stairs.

- The twins' saliva is like a cross between silicon caulk, spiderwebs, spit, and bubble gum. It's sticky, stretchy, and liquid all at the same time.

- Our babies have discovered methods of communication beyond laughing and crying. Grayson has sort of a high-pitched scream, although I'm not sure that description can do it justice. It's like a horror movie scream, only it has a pitch just below dog-whistle level. It literally hurts my ears sometimes. Avery's scream could be likened to that of a pterodactyl. Not quite as high pitched as her brothers, but just as spine-chilling at full volume.

- WHY IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING HOLY DO YOU KEEP PULLING THAT PACIFIER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!?!?!?!? Just leave it in there. It'll make us both happier in the long run, I promise.

Random Thoughts #9

- The looks in this picture are what I like to call "poopy diaper smiles." Not every one of these smiles comes with a poopy diaper, but every poopy diaper comes with one of these smiles.

- Sometimes getting Avery to eat is like getting a very old vehicle to start. There are about five things you have to do in order to get it going. Also, once they are going, you don't want to stop either one until you get where you want to go, or else they might not start again.

- Both of the babies started sleeping through the night at around two months. They would go to bed around 10:00 or 10:30, and they would wake up around 6:30. This made me very happy. About two weeks ago, just for a goof, they decided to stop this nonsense. Bedtime has been pushed back to around 11:30, and they wake up around 4:30 or 5:00. Once again, I feel they are plotting to steal my sanity.

- Avery's new hypoallergenic formula smells like an old barn. I can only assume it tastes like one as well.

- We are now in the rolling over phase of movement. We now have hungry cries, tired cries, pain cries, and "I rolled over and got stuck on my stomach" cries. These cries are usually preceded by a wide variety of grunts and/or screams.

- It never fails, it I fill up a bottle with 6 oz., Avery will eat 4. If I fill it up with 4 oz., she's still starving when she's finished.

- Holding a baby over your head after they've eaten is not a great idea. I happened to be doing this to Grayson the other day, and he spit up. Only my cat-like reflexes saved me from catching it full in the mouth.

- You would think not doing things like this would be common sense. It just goes to show you that if given the chance, your child will always find a way to make you look or feel like an idiot.

A letter to my daughter...

Dear Avery,

I hope this letter finds you well. You seemed a bit gassy at breakfast this morning, so I hope you don't have a tummy ache. I just thought I'd write you a letter to tell you about some of the things I am looking forward to in our journey together. You could think of it as my "Daddy Bucket List." Some are very small things, and some are very large, but all hold a place in my heart, even though they haven't happened yet.

I've noticed you have been rolling over more lately. That's just marvelous. I can't wait to chase you around the house while you scream and laugh uncontrollably. I might even make up some scary monster names like my dad did for me. Wally Monsterally, Cheechie Muchacho, and Gaga Moonkaka were some bad dudes in my day. I know you'll fall and bump your head, but I will always try to be there to give your owie a kiss.

You've also been talking quite a bit lately, if yelling and babbling incoherently can be considered talking. I didn't want to mention this, but seriously, use some words already. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to our first conversation. I can't wait to hear about all of your hopes, dreams, fears, and anything else that may be on your mind. Just know that no matter what the subject is, daddy will always be there to listen.

The other day we changed your formula, and it turned your poop the color of an old army tent. It smelled like one, too. I sure can't wait until you can deposit those somewhere other than in your pants. In the mean time, would it kill you to keep a straight face while I'm cleaning these diaper bombs up? I feel like your sole purpose for pooping is to laugh as I clean it up.

Seeing you in your baptism dress, and seeing how beautiful you looked, made me think of the other dresses I  look forward to seeing you in. One of those is a wedding dress. I can't wait to walk you down the aisle. I am sure the person you choose will be right for you in every way, and they will treat you like the princess you are.

To keep this letter fairly short and readable, I'll switch to a list format. These are just some random things I am looking forward to. Reading together, playing catch, fishing (I expect you to bait your own hook and take fish off the line), snuggling, your first day of school, graduation, swimming lessons (we'll let mom handle those), teaching you to backflip off the diving board, chores, and telling your daddy how much you love him.

These are just a few of the things I am eagerly anticipating. In just three short months, you and your brother have changed my life more than I could have imagined. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.

Love,

Your Father

A letter to my son...

Dear Grayson,

I hope this letter finds you cheerful. You were a bit mad at me this morning when I had the unbelievable nerve to change your sopping diaper before feeding you. My deepest apologies for that. I am writing this letter to let you know some of the things I am looking forward to in our father-son relationship.

As I have chronicled in great detail, I am a big fan of your farts. I can't wait until you are old enough to appreciate their humor along with me. A man should not be the only one in the room laughing at a fart, unless of course he is the only one in the room. I also look forward to discussing your poops with you, rather than cleaning them up.

As an avid sports enthusiast, there are some things I feel I have an obligation to teach you. The first is how to throw a ball (baseball, football, dodgeball, etc...). Kicking a ball is also essential. If your're going to be throwing and kicking projectiles, it would also be wise to learn how to catch said projectiles. I'd like to teach you how to swing a baseball bat, and a golf club as well (this one may have to be subcontracted out to someone else, my golf swing is a mess). And last, but certainly not least, I can't wait to teach you to shoot a blast double and how to crank over a tight arm bar.

Since we live in South Dakota, it is only appropriate that a father teaches his son the fine art of winter entertainment. Snowballs, snow forts, snowmen, and other snow-based objects will be a staple at the Smith house. Just don't hit your sister in the face with a snowball. Sledding is also a must. I can only hope that the huge pile of dirt in our back yard remains there long enough to send you hurtling down it on a thin piece of plastic.

I hope we share some of the same interests. I hope you love Stephen King novels as much as I do, although I think we'll wait a while before introducing those. I'd like to take you to the gym, although we tried that the other day and it did not work out well...at all. Hunting and fishing are on the list as well, and I am quite interested to see how you react to gutting a fish or cleaning a pheasant. Most of all, I hope you are as devoted and interested in your family as I am.

To save time and space, here are a few others that come to mind: how to tie a tie (we are a Full Windsor family); changing a tire; shaving; driving a stick shift; putting up a tent; carving a turkey; grilling; riding a bike; parallel parking; being respectful and using manners; shaking hands; loving the Florida State Seminoles and San Francisco Giants (I thought about adding the Cowboys to this list, but I don't know if I want my child to go through that pain and misery); rooting against the Vikings, Dodgers, and Cornhuskers; and a thousand other things I can't think of right now.

I love you and your sister more than words can describe, and I just want you to know how thankful I am that I get to be a part of your lives.

Love,

Dad

Random Thoughts #8

- No matter what kind of day I'm having, or how fussy the kids have been, seeing them smile like this absolutely makes my day.

- Beware of these smiles, they are used to divert attention away from smelly diapers and plots to undermine your sanity.

- I have rapidly changed sides from the "I can't believe you just set your baby in front of the TV" group to the "anything to keep them entertained that doesn't require effort from me" group.

- Last night one of the babies farted so loud it made both of them cry. It's nice to know I'm not the only one whose farts cause crying.

- Avery rolled over for the first time on Father's Day. Of course she decided to do it while sleeping alone at Grandma's house, so no one got to see it.

-  Having people wish me a happy Father's Day feels very weird. The whole day I felt like I sneaked into a party I wasn't supposed to be at.

- The babies have started wearing actual outfits rather than sleepers every day. If I had my way, they would wear sleepers until they were old enough to choose their own clothes and dress themselves.

- This change in wardrobe happens right when I am starting to get very good at those stupid little snaps on their sleepers.

- It absolutely amazes me to see the changes that these babies go through on a daily basis. It's hard to believe they are almost three months old already. I can't wait to see what fatherhood has in store for me next.

Random Thoughts #7

- When both twins wake up in the morning at the same time, our house resembles a circus, complete with screaming/crying/laughing children, the smell of poop, flashing lights, music only children can enjoy, animals (our dog Bailey), and a balancing act (performed by me). I guess you could say I am the ringmaster of this madness.

- The best way I have found to soothe Avery when she is crying is to pick her up and walk laps around our main floor. The loop is so short that if I look down while I'm walking, I get dizzy. This is not a good thing to have happen while walking with an infant.

- Avery also likes to eat while I am walking her around. I am wearing a trail in the carpet.

- While walking, I did some calculations. Each lap is about 40 feet long, which means 132 laps = 1 mile. My average pace is about 5 laps per minute, which would mean I walk a mile every 26 minutes or so. Each feeding/therapy session/walking lullaby takes about 15-20 minutes, and I do it at least 4 times a day. That puts me between 2 - 3 miles a day...in my living room.

- I apologize for all that math, it won't happen again.

- The other morning my two babies were like dueling banjo players, only instead of banjos they were farting back and forth. I could not have been more proud.

- Recently the babies began sleeping through the night regularly. I can not tell you how happy this made me.

- Grayson lets out random grunts/yells in his sleep. I'd like to think he's dreaming of something manly...like wrestling alligators. It's much more likely he's either pooping or dreaming of pooping.

- Avery recently let me know how she was feeling through the use of sign language. She might be a prodigy:

-

Random Thoughts #6

I'm back after a long break. Going back to work has really cut into my blogging time. Here goes, some more random thoughts on fatherhood. 

- After tracking the babies' feedings and diaper changes for so long, I have had to catch myself a few times when I go to write down my own trips to the bathroom.

- I am a bit saddened that my daughter no longer looks like Master Oogway from Kung Fu Panda, and she doesn't act like Animal from the Muppets anymore...or maybe that's a good thing. I'm still undecided on this. 

- The first time one of your babies smiles at you for real (not from gas) is an incredible moment. 

- Twin babies attract elderly people like honey attracts flies. Tracy took the twins to Cracker Barrel and said she felt like a celebrity around paparazzi. 

- Last week, the twins slept through the night for the one and only time since they have been home. Of course, rather than enjoying this opportunity to sleep myself, I woke up at 2:30 wondering why they weren't crying. I was wide awake for almost an hour just waiting for them to cry. Of course they waited until I was soundly sleeping again before they started to cry. 

- Dirty diapers have made our weekly garbage weigh about 5x more than it ever did before. 

- We were visiting family for Mother's Day, and from 12:00 when we arrived until 7:00 when we left, the only times they weren't being held was to change their diapers. I think if there wasn't two babies to go around, there may have been some fighting over holding privileges, maybe even some violence. 

- Now that the babies are a little heavier, I have found myself using my belly as a "baby shelf" to give my arms a little break when holding one of them. It doesn't look very flattering, but at this point I'm all about substance over style. 

- Sometimes I will wake up in the night to scratches or gentle rubbing on my back. I start to think "man, this is nice." It's about that time I usually realize that there is a baby crying in the background and Tracy is just waking me up to go feed them. It's quite the disappointment. 

- I now consider any four hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep a "good night's rest."

Random Thoughts #5

- My daughter’s sleepy eyes and facial expressions remind me a lot of Spike from The Land Before Time and Oogway from Kung Fu Panda.

- There are times when I would swear both twins are plotting against me. This thought usually occurs while I am trying to take a nap. Their timing (taking turns crying/fussing/screaming) is just a little too perfect for my liking.

- You know it’s time to give the kids a bath when the dog keeps trying to lick them. It is not an affectionate lick, it’s the one she gives to the empty peanut butter jar.

- My daughter spends about .001% of her day sitting still. Even while she is sleeping, she is constantly moving or grunting. My son, on the other hand, spends about 90% of his day in a semi-comatose state. Even when he eats, his body is completely limp/relaxed except for his mouth.

- Changing diapers while the baby is laying in your lap is just asking for trouble. It only took me four changes of clothes to figure that one out.

- Having male “equipment” never seemed all that inconvenient for me until I had to clean up my son after a full diaper. And when I say full, I mean “poop coming out the leg hole because there’s no more room” full.

- On Saturday, Tracy and I had our first “date” since the birth of the twins. We went out to eat, and then went to get groceries. Welcome to parenthood.

- The other day Grayson woke himself up from a nap with a particularly loud fart. The apple did not fall far from the tree at all. I could not have been more proud.

Random Thoughts #4

- My son has perfected the art of the stealth pee. While being changed, he will find that five second window where I’m not paying attention and pee all over. I’ll finish changing him, get him dressed, and then notice that the clothes I just put on him are now soaked in urine…and he usually manages to get some on me as well.

- My childrens’ ability to projectile vomit without skipping a beat is quite impressive.

- As a survivor of numerous bouts of ringworm and one pretty nasty case of athlete’s foot, I couldn't help but feel a little pride when little Grayson developed a fungal infection of his own.

- Several bowel movements from both children have resembled a soft serve ice cream machine with the switch stuck on.

- Have I mentioned how amusing their farts are?

- After spending a few long nights in the hospital with Avery, I finally got a chance to spend some time at home with Grayson. Within 30 minutes, he had spit up on me, pooped on me, and soaked me with urine so thoroughly that I needed to change my pants and underwear. I call that “The Hat Trick.”

- My daughter reminds me of Animal from the Muppet Babies. She grunts, thrashes around, and goes after a bottle like she hasn't eaten in a week.

- During their first three weeks of life, the twins have experienced the following: an ice storm that knocked out power to tens of thousands (but not us), an snowstorm that immediately followed the ice storm, another snowstorm, bouts of RSV for each, and a father who laughs at farts and fungal infections and had changed a total of one diaper in his life. All of this, in April of all months, and everyone is still alive and healthy. Some things just defy explanation.

Three Weeks Old!

Not So Random Thoughts on Fatherhood

Ah, how quickly things can change. A week ago I was putting together a list of humorous tips for new parents. I had two healthy babies at home, and I was on top of the world. This week finds me in a hospital room watching my two week old daughter struggle with RSV, an upper respiratory virus.

Having a sick child is a hard thing, one of the hardest experiences of my life. Very few things in life can make you feel as helpless as seeing and hearing your two week old daughter struggle to breathe, or to see her hooked up to an oxygen feed. Other than comforting, changing, and feeding her, there is very little I can do to help, and it heartbreaking.

What makes the experience harder is having a second child, in this case her twin brother, at home. There is a very good chance that we could have to go through this all over again with him, and that only adds to the feeling of helplessness. All we can do is wait, and that is the hardest thing in the world when it comes to your children.

With that said, even in the toughest of times we can often find levity in the things happening around us. Laughter has some pretty powerful healing powers, and it has certainly helped me cope with the stress of the last few days.So here we go with some more random thoughts on fatherhood...

- One of the few perks of being stuck in the hospital - unlimited rainbow sherbet cups and Oreos. I have not eaten like this since I was ten years old.

- Sometimes when Avery coughs, she lets a fart slip out, and I cannot stop myself from laughing...every single time.

- Avery and I watched the new James Bond movie last night. I don’t think she was all that impressed, but I thought it was excellent.

- I’m very tempted to try and suction some of the gunk out of my own nose, but I don’t think the nurses would be very understanding of that.

- The comedy of John Lovitz is underrated. These are the types of thoughts that go through your head watching tv at two in the morning in a hospital room.

- I really like wearing sweatpants, and paternity leave has given me the freedom to do so as I please. 20 days in a row...and counting.

- Having my daughter turn her eyes towards my voice and stare at you brings more joy to my heart than I can put into words.

Tips For New Parents

Being a new parent can be an overwhelming experience, so I thought I would use all the wisdom I have gathered in my 11 days as a parent and put together a list of helpful tips for new parents. Enjoy at your own risk.

1. When changing diapers, always keep the clean diaper close by. It can be very useful as a shield against flying "debris."

2.  Your baby will wait until you are on the very edge of sleep before fussing or crying. Don't take it personally. 

3. You will not sleep the first night you have your baby/babies at home. It will be much easier on your psyche if you come to terms with this beforehand. 

4. For the gentlemen: shave every time you shower. Use you whisker length as a guide for your next shower. If you're getting scruffy, you're probably getting stinky too. 

5. Get outside, even for a few minutes. Nobody likes a hermit, especially a pale, pasty hermit who smells like poop and spit up. 

6. Treat diaper changes like a NASCAR pit stop. If you can turn it over in 20 seconds or less, you're doing pretty well. Your baby may not understand all the excitement and shouting, but they will certainly appreciate getting their diaper changed in a timely manner. 

7. Buy sleepers with zippers. I am fairly sure the sleepers with little snaps lead to early onset dementia. 

8. Babies are the only humans who can pull off the "no eyebrows" look. Do not try to imitate the look. The same goes for their bathroom habits and feeding schedule. 

9. It's not possible to maintain your strapping manly good looks while wearing a Vera Bradley diaper bag...avoiding eye contact with other males while wearing said bag should ease the worst of the shame. 

10. At some point during the first few days, you will more than likely feel some or all of these emotions: sadness, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, and helplessness. Take a deep breath, count to ten, and take heart in the fact that in about 18 years, you will hopefully be able to send your child off to college and take a little break...

Some More Random Thoughts

Choosing "outfits" for the day is not my favorite fatherly task. In my opinion, pink and teal make an excellent color combination.

Having a son that looks and acts like me is like looking through a time warp to when I was a baby...both very neat and a little weird. 

Changing, feeding, burping, and tucking in two babies by myself in the middle of the night made me feel like a superstar. I may or may not have done a fist pump afterwards. 

I am completely cut off from the outside world, and I don't care a bit. 

The angles and quantity of my son's urination is quite fascinating to me. He has managed to soak parts of his sleepers and onesies that defy the laws of fluid mechanics. 

Having your child look towards your voice for the first time is pretty amazing. 

Poop have morphed from roofing tar into something resembling the ooze that made the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

I find myself wondering how long it will be until these two can contribute some sort of manual labor. I could use some help with the yard work and laundry. 

Some Random Thoughts

I'm fairly certain a baby's first poop could be used to patch holes in the roof.

If they have the chance to pee or poop on you, they are going to take full advantage.

The first night at home with twins was the most exhausting and discouraging night of my life, and no other night even comes close. I think I might have been temporarily insane. 

The second night at home with twins was one of the most rewarding.

I have slept through alarms, thunderstorms, screaming children, and hurricane force winds, but one peep from those babies and I am wide awake.

Having your child fall asleep in your arms is probably the greatest feeling in the world. 

Retired mothers and mother-in-laws are worth their weight in gold.

I am going to have a very difficult time telling my daughter no...for anything. 

After seeing my wife go through childbirth, my whining about an aching back or a headache doesn't hold much water. 

I have no problem controlling a room full of 28 5th graders who want to be anywhere but in school, but these two babies can make me feel absolutely helpless. 

I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer the boss.