Random Thoughts #6

I'm back after a long break. Going back to work has really cut into my blogging time. Here goes, some more random thoughts on fatherhood. 

- After tracking the babies' feedings and diaper changes for so long, I have had to catch myself a few times when I go to write down my own trips to the bathroom.

- I am a bit saddened that my daughter no longer looks like Master Oogway from Kung Fu Panda, and she doesn't act like Animal from the Muppets anymore...or maybe that's a good thing. I'm still undecided on this. 

- The first time one of your babies smiles at you for real (not from gas) is an incredible moment. 

- Twin babies attract elderly people like honey attracts flies. Tracy took the twins to Cracker Barrel and said she felt like a celebrity around paparazzi. 

- Last week, the twins slept through the night for the one and only time since they have been home. Of course, rather than enjoying this opportunity to sleep myself, I woke up at 2:30 wondering why they weren't crying. I was wide awake for almost an hour just waiting for them to cry. Of course they waited until I was soundly sleeping again before they started to cry. 

- Dirty diapers have made our weekly garbage weigh about 5x more than it ever did before. 

- We were visiting family for Mother's Day, and from 12:00 when we arrived until 7:00 when we left, the only times they weren't being held was to change their diapers. I think if there wasn't two babies to go around, there may have been some fighting over holding privileges, maybe even some violence. 

- Now that the babies are a little heavier, I have found myself using my belly as a "baby shelf" to give my arms a little break when holding one of them. It doesn't look very flattering, but at this point I'm all about substance over style. 

- Sometimes I will wake up in the night to scratches or gentle rubbing on my back. I start to think "man, this is nice." It's about that time I usually realize that there is a baby crying in the background and Tracy is just waking me up to go feed them. It's quite the disappointment. 

- I now consider any four hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep a "good night's rest."

Random Thoughts #5

- My daughter’s sleepy eyes and facial expressions remind me a lot of Spike from The Land Before Time and Oogway from Kung Fu Panda.

- There are times when I would swear both twins are plotting against me. This thought usually occurs while I am trying to take a nap. Their timing (taking turns crying/fussing/screaming) is just a little too perfect for my liking.

- You know it’s time to give the kids a bath when the dog keeps trying to lick them. It is not an affectionate lick, it’s the one she gives to the empty peanut butter jar.

- My daughter spends about .001% of her day sitting still. Even while she is sleeping, she is constantly moving or grunting. My son, on the other hand, spends about 90% of his day in a semi-comatose state. Even when he eats, his body is completely limp/relaxed except for his mouth.

- Changing diapers while the baby is laying in your lap is just asking for trouble. It only took me four changes of clothes to figure that one out.

- Having male “equipment” never seemed all that inconvenient for me until I had to clean up my son after a full diaper. And when I say full, I mean “poop coming out the leg hole because there’s no more room” full.

- On Saturday, Tracy and I had our first “date” since the birth of the twins. We went out to eat, and then went to get groceries. Welcome to parenthood.

- The other day Grayson woke himself up from a nap with a particularly loud fart. The apple did not fall far from the tree at all. I could not have been more proud.

Random Thoughts #4

- My son has perfected the art of the stealth pee. While being changed, he will find that five second window where I’m not paying attention and pee all over. I’ll finish changing him, get him dressed, and then notice that the clothes I just put on him are now soaked in urine…and he usually manages to get some on me as well.

- My childrens’ ability to projectile vomit without skipping a beat is quite impressive.

- As a survivor of numerous bouts of ringworm and one pretty nasty case of athlete’s foot, I couldn't help but feel a little pride when little Grayson developed a fungal infection of his own.

- Several bowel movements from both children have resembled a soft serve ice cream machine with the switch stuck on.

- Have I mentioned how amusing their farts are?

- After spending a few long nights in the hospital with Avery, I finally got a chance to spend some time at home with Grayson. Within 30 minutes, he had spit up on me, pooped on me, and soaked me with urine so thoroughly that I needed to change my pants and underwear. I call that “The Hat Trick.”

- My daughter reminds me of Animal from the Muppet Babies. She grunts, thrashes around, and goes after a bottle like she hasn't eaten in a week.

- During their first three weeks of life, the twins have experienced the following: an ice storm that knocked out power to tens of thousands (but not us), an snowstorm that immediately followed the ice storm, another snowstorm, bouts of RSV for each, and a father who laughs at farts and fungal infections and had changed a total of one diaper in his life. All of this, in April of all months, and everyone is still alive and healthy. Some things just defy explanation.

Three Weeks Old!

Not So Random Thoughts on Fatherhood

Ah, how quickly things can change. A week ago I was putting together a list of humorous tips for new parents. I had two healthy babies at home, and I was on top of the world. This week finds me in a hospital room watching my two week old daughter struggle with RSV, an upper respiratory virus.

Having a sick child is a hard thing, one of the hardest experiences of my life. Very few things in life can make you feel as helpless as seeing and hearing your two week old daughter struggle to breathe, or to see her hooked up to an oxygen feed. Other than comforting, changing, and feeding her, there is very little I can do to help, and it heartbreaking.

What makes the experience harder is having a second child, in this case her twin brother, at home. There is a very good chance that we could have to go through this all over again with him, and that only adds to the feeling of helplessness. All we can do is wait, and that is the hardest thing in the world when it comes to your children.

With that said, even in the toughest of times we can often find levity in the things happening around us. Laughter has some pretty powerful healing powers, and it has certainly helped me cope with the stress of the last few days.So here we go with some more random thoughts on fatherhood...

- One of the few perks of being stuck in the hospital - unlimited rainbow sherbet cups and Oreos. I have not eaten like this since I was ten years old.

- Sometimes when Avery coughs, she lets a fart slip out, and I cannot stop myself from laughing...every single time.

- Avery and I watched the new James Bond movie last night. I don’t think she was all that impressed, but I thought it was excellent.

- I’m very tempted to try and suction some of the gunk out of my own nose, but I don’t think the nurses would be very understanding of that.

- The comedy of John Lovitz is underrated. These are the types of thoughts that go through your head watching tv at two in the morning in a hospital room.

- I really like wearing sweatpants, and paternity leave has given me the freedom to do so as I please. 20 days in a row...and counting.

- Having my daughter turn her eyes towards my voice and stare at you brings more joy to my heart than I can put into words.

Tips For New Parents

Being a new parent can be an overwhelming experience, so I thought I would use all the wisdom I have gathered in my 11 days as a parent and put together a list of helpful tips for new parents. Enjoy at your own risk.

1. When changing diapers, always keep the clean diaper close by. It can be very useful as a shield against flying "debris."

2.  Your baby will wait until you are on the very edge of sleep before fussing or crying. Don't take it personally. 

3. You will not sleep the first night you have your baby/babies at home. It will be much easier on your psyche if you come to terms with this beforehand. 

4. For the gentlemen: shave every time you shower. Use you whisker length as a guide for your next shower. If you're getting scruffy, you're probably getting stinky too. 

5. Get outside, even for a few minutes. Nobody likes a hermit, especially a pale, pasty hermit who smells like poop and spit up. 

6. Treat diaper changes like a NASCAR pit stop. If you can turn it over in 20 seconds or less, you're doing pretty well. Your baby may not understand all the excitement and shouting, but they will certainly appreciate getting their diaper changed in a timely manner. 

7. Buy sleepers with zippers. I am fairly sure the sleepers with little snaps lead to early onset dementia. 

8. Babies are the only humans who can pull off the "no eyebrows" look. Do not try to imitate the look. The same goes for their bathroom habits and feeding schedule. 

9. It's not possible to maintain your strapping manly good looks while wearing a Vera Bradley diaper bag...avoiding eye contact with other males while wearing said bag should ease the worst of the shame. 

10. At some point during the first few days, you will more than likely feel some or all of these emotions: sadness, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, and helplessness. Take a deep breath, count to ten, and take heart in the fact that in about 18 years, you will hopefully be able to send your child off to college and take a little break...

A Few Pictures of the Twins