Tips For New Parents

Being a new parent can be an overwhelming experience, so I thought I would use all the wisdom I have gathered in my 11 days as a parent and put together a list of helpful tips for new parents. Enjoy at your own risk.

1. When changing diapers, always keep the clean diaper close by. It can be very useful as a shield against flying "debris."

2.  Your baby will wait until you are on the very edge of sleep before fussing or crying. Don't take it personally. 

3. You will not sleep the first night you have your baby/babies at home. It will be much easier on your psyche if you come to terms with this beforehand. 

4. For the gentlemen: shave every time you shower. Use you whisker length as a guide for your next shower. If you're getting scruffy, you're probably getting stinky too. 

5. Get outside, even for a few minutes. Nobody likes a hermit, especially a pale, pasty hermit who smells like poop and spit up. 

6. Treat diaper changes like a NASCAR pit stop. If you can turn it over in 20 seconds or less, you're doing pretty well. Your baby may not understand all the excitement and shouting, but they will certainly appreciate getting their diaper changed in a timely manner. 

7. Buy sleepers with zippers. I am fairly sure the sleepers with little snaps lead to early onset dementia. 

8. Babies are the only humans who can pull off the "no eyebrows" look. Do not try to imitate the look. The same goes for their bathroom habits and feeding schedule. 

9. It's not possible to maintain your strapping manly good looks while wearing a Vera Bradley diaper bag...avoiding eye contact with other males while wearing said bag should ease the worst of the shame. 

10. At some point during the first few days, you will more than likely feel some or all of these emotions: sadness, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, and helplessness. Take a deep breath, count to ten, and take heart in the fact that in about 18 years, you will hopefully be able to send your child off to college and take a little break...