Random Thoughts #4

- My son has perfected the art of the stealth pee. While being changed, he will find that five second window where I’m not paying attention and pee all over. I’ll finish changing him, get him dressed, and then notice that the clothes I just put on him are now soaked in urine…and he usually manages to get some on me as well.

- My childrens’ ability to projectile vomit without skipping a beat is quite impressive.

- As a survivor of numerous bouts of ringworm and one pretty nasty case of athlete’s foot, I couldn't help but feel a little pride when little Grayson developed a fungal infection of his own.

- Several bowel movements from both children have resembled a soft serve ice cream machine with the switch stuck on.

- Have I mentioned how amusing their farts are?

- After spending a few long nights in the hospital with Avery, I finally got a chance to spend some time at home with Grayson. Within 30 minutes, he had spit up on me, pooped on me, and soaked me with urine so thoroughly that I needed to change my pants and underwear. I call that “The Hat Trick.”

- My daughter reminds me of Animal from the Muppet Babies. She grunts, thrashes around, and goes after a bottle like she hasn't eaten in a week.

- During their first three weeks of life, the twins have experienced the following: an ice storm that knocked out power to tens of thousands (but not us), an snowstorm that immediately followed the ice storm, another snowstorm, bouts of RSV for each, and a father who laughs at farts and fungal infections and had changed a total of one diaper in his life. All of this, in April of all months, and everyone is still alive and healthy. Some things just defy explanation.

Three Weeks Old!

Not So Random Thoughts on Fatherhood

Ah, how quickly things can change. A week ago I was putting together a list of humorous tips for new parents. I had two healthy babies at home, and I was on top of the world. This week finds me in a hospital room watching my two week old daughter struggle with RSV, an upper respiratory virus.

Having a sick child is a hard thing, one of the hardest experiences of my life. Very few things in life can make you feel as helpless as seeing and hearing your two week old daughter struggle to breathe, or to see her hooked up to an oxygen feed. Other than comforting, changing, and feeding her, there is very little I can do to help, and it heartbreaking.

What makes the experience harder is having a second child, in this case her twin brother, at home. There is a very good chance that we could have to go through this all over again with him, and that only adds to the feeling of helplessness. All we can do is wait, and that is the hardest thing in the world when it comes to your children.

With that said, even in the toughest of times we can often find levity in the things happening around us. Laughter has some pretty powerful healing powers, and it has certainly helped me cope with the stress of the last few days.So here we go with some more random thoughts on fatherhood...

- One of the few perks of being stuck in the hospital - unlimited rainbow sherbet cups and Oreos. I have not eaten like this since I was ten years old.

- Sometimes when Avery coughs, she lets a fart slip out, and I cannot stop myself from laughing...every single time.

- Avery and I watched the new James Bond movie last night. I don’t think she was all that impressed, but I thought it was excellent.

- I’m very tempted to try and suction some of the gunk out of my own nose, but I don’t think the nurses would be very understanding of that.

- The comedy of John Lovitz is underrated. These are the types of thoughts that go through your head watching tv at two in the morning in a hospital room.

- I really like wearing sweatpants, and paternity leave has given me the freedom to do so as I please. 20 days in a row...and counting.

- Having my daughter turn her eyes towards my voice and stare at you brings more joy to my heart than I can put into words.

Tips For New Parents

Being a new parent can be an overwhelming experience, so I thought I would use all the wisdom I have gathered in my 11 days as a parent and put together a list of helpful tips for new parents. Enjoy at your own risk.

1. When changing diapers, always keep the clean diaper close by. It can be very useful as a shield against flying "debris."

2.  Your baby will wait until you are on the very edge of sleep before fussing or crying. Don't take it personally. 

3. You will not sleep the first night you have your baby/babies at home. It will be much easier on your psyche if you come to terms with this beforehand. 

4. For the gentlemen: shave every time you shower. Use you whisker length as a guide for your next shower. If you're getting scruffy, you're probably getting stinky too. 

5. Get outside, even for a few minutes. Nobody likes a hermit, especially a pale, pasty hermit who smells like poop and spit up. 

6. Treat diaper changes like a NASCAR pit stop. If you can turn it over in 20 seconds or less, you're doing pretty well. Your baby may not understand all the excitement and shouting, but they will certainly appreciate getting their diaper changed in a timely manner. 

7. Buy sleepers with zippers. I am fairly sure the sleepers with little snaps lead to early onset dementia. 

8. Babies are the only humans who can pull off the "no eyebrows" look. Do not try to imitate the look. The same goes for their bathroom habits and feeding schedule. 

9. It's not possible to maintain your strapping manly good looks while wearing a Vera Bradley diaper bag...avoiding eye contact with other males while wearing said bag should ease the worst of the shame. 

10. At some point during the first few days, you will more than likely feel some or all of these emotions: sadness, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, and helplessness. Take a deep breath, count to ten, and take heart in the fact that in about 18 years, you will hopefully be able to send your child off to college and take a little break...

A Few Pictures of the Twins

Random Thoughts #3

- It feels good to have two other people in the house who are as free with their farts as I am...my wife is not nearly as impressed.

- I have to take measures to remind myself when I last showered and brushed my teeth, because neither is a regular occurrence anymore.

- For some reason I keep thinking formula powder is vanilla flavored...it most certainly is not.

- Whoever designed the buttons on newborns sleepers must have had a devious sense of humor. They are a logic puzzle I have yet to solve.

- I've had to catch myself several times when a pacifier fell on the floor...the 5 second rule does not apply when babies are involved.

- Clipping my children's fingernails is not a task I am looking forward to. It's like a real life version of operation.

- It scares me to death that my two beautiful children may grow into something I can't stand: Vikings fans.

- Having children of my own has shown me what unconditional love is. 

Some More Random Thoughts

Choosing "outfits" for the day is not my favorite fatherly task. In my opinion, pink and teal make an excellent color combination.

Having a son that looks and acts like me is like looking through a time warp to when I was a baby...both very neat and a little weird. 

Changing, feeding, burping, and tucking in two babies by myself in the middle of the night made me feel like a superstar. I may or may not have done a fist pump afterwards. 

I am completely cut off from the outside world, and I don't care a bit. 

The angles and quantity of my son's urination is quite fascinating to me. He has managed to soak parts of his sleepers and onesies that defy the laws of fluid mechanics. 

Having your child look towards your voice for the first time is pretty amazing. 

Poop have morphed from roofing tar into something resembling the ooze that made the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

I find myself wondering how long it will be until these two can contribute some sort of manual labor. I could use some help with the yard work and laundry. 

Some Random Thoughts

I'm fairly certain a baby's first poop could be used to patch holes in the roof.

If they have the chance to pee or poop on you, they are going to take full advantage.

The first night at home with twins was the most exhausting and discouraging night of my life, and no other night even comes close. I think I might have been temporarily insane. 

The second night at home with twins was one of the most rewarding.

I have slept through alarms, thunderstorms, screaming children, and hurricane force winds, but one peep from those babies and I am wide awake.

Having your child fall asleep in your arms is probably the greatest feeling in the world. 

Retired mothers and mother-in-laws are worth their weight in gold.

I am going to have a very difficult time telling my daughter no...for anything. 

After seeing my wife go through childbirth, my whining about an aching back or a headache doesn't hold much water. 

I have no problem controlling a room full of 28 5th graders who want to be anywhere but in school, but these two babies can make me feel absolutely helpless. 

I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer the boss.

Greetings

On Sunday, March 31 at 2:37 am, my life was changed forever. My baby boy Grayson was born, to be followed shortly by his sister Avery. It's hard for me to describe the emotions I felt at the time, but I knew immediately that my life had changed forever.

Being a new father, and a new father of twins at that, I thought it would be neat to record some of the many thoughts going through my head. Hopefully readers can find something to relate to, and maybe even find some helpful bits of information. More importantly, I'd like to leave a record of these thoughts so that my children and I can look back on this time, because as I've been told many times already, they grow up to fast.

So enjoy the show. Any thoughts or feedback would be appreciated.