Random Thoughts #13

- I have nicknamed Grayson "The Hulk" when he gets tired. Without warning, he turns into a screaming, thrashing beast, who grabs anything in sight and tries to smash it or pinch it to death.

- When Avery gets tired, she is like a zombie with her legs shot off. She drags herself around the room moaning and chewing on anything she can get her hands on.

- My entire daily schedule has basically shifted backwards about 2 hours. I wake up around 4:45, and if anything after 9:00 is now considered "late at night." If you would have told me this 10 years ago, 21 year old me would have laughed and thought you were crazy.

- There is nothing worse than hearing a loud thump come from the room where the babies are. The other day, I put Grayson on the bed downstairs thinking he was asleep. About five minutes later, I heard a loud thump, immediately followed by a blood-curdling scream and crying. He had fallen off of the bed, but luckily just got the wind knocked out of him. Boy, did I feel like a jackass.

- Their poop has gotten so stinky that if they aren't changed immediately after the deed, their onesies and sleepers/pants smell so bad they need to be changed as well. It also sticks like glue to any exposed surfaces, including skin. I have to be very careful where I place the dirty diaper while cleaning them, because they just love to stomp their feet while I do it. I'll leave it to you to paint a mental picture of what happens when they hit the diaper.

- As I mentioned before, Avery loves to chew on anything she happens to come across. Several times I have caught her chewing on Bailey's rawhide bones.

- I have a sneaking suspicion Grayson learned to use my iPad when I wasn't looking. I was playing Candy Crush with him in my lap, and he started mashing buttons on the keyboard. He managed to start a slide show of my camera roll, and then about five seconds later, he mashed some more buttons and it went right back to Candy Crush. I tried for a couple minutes and I couldn't replicate his feat.

- Tracy and I had a date on Friday. Our agenda: dinner out and a trip to target for diapers and baby food.

Random Thoughts #12

- Several weeks ago, Avery discovered that if she purses her lips and blows, it makes a funny noise and shoots slobber everywhere, which she enjoys immensely.

- The other day, I was feeding her, and she decided to do her blowing trick, only she did it with a mouthful of sweet potatoes. She managed to get most of the mouthful on me and the surrounding area. Being the mature adult that I am, I took the next spoonful and launched it at her. You can see the results at the left.

- Grayson managed to push himself up into referee's position this week. I could not have been more proud. He did, however, seem quite confused when I started wrestling with him. We'll have to work on that part.

- Both babies love it when I sing to them, and they enjoy my rapping even more. There is a distinct possibility that their first words could be a Snoop Dogg lyric. I can't wait.

- We are getting closer and closer to crawling babies. Even without crawling, both have their own ways of getting somewhere. Grayson has mastered the backwards push. He moves well, but it's usually in exactly the opposite direction he is trying to move. Avery has better accuracy, but she resembles someone trying to put out a clothing fire...rolls, stomps, screaming, etc.

- Baby wrangling can be tiring work, but I can't even begin to describe how good it feels to have two babies fall asleep in your arms. It makes all the screaming, spitting, kicking, and pinching (thanks, Grayson) all worth it.

- Yes, I am actually sleeping in the picture as well. Parenting twins has led to some very interesting body positions during naps.

- Did I mention it's tiring? I actually just fell asleep while typing. I think that's my sign to go to bed.

Random Thoughts #11

- I am fairly proficient at algebra, geometry, and statistics, yet children's clothing sizes beyond 9-12 months baffle me. I bought some clothes for the twins, and the good news is that they'll fit...in the summer of 2014.

- Avery treats eating solid food like a baseball team treats a pennant celebration, only instead of champagne, it sweet potatoes flying all over the room. 

- If given the chance, Avery will launch herself headfirst towards daylight anytime she's not held/strapped down. She's already managed to climb/tumble out of her bouncer (several times), her Bumbo seat, and my arms. Luckily she's landed unharmed each time. I think she may be a handful once she's mobile. 

- The twins attended their first football game last week. I think I may have seen 10% of the game, and that's a generous estimate. 

- It's getting hard to tell the difference between Grayson's farts and my own. 

- We are in the midst of a slobber epidemic. If left unchecked, this epidemic is capable of soaking an entire set on infant clothes by noon. It has also been known to spread to parents' clothing, often without their knowledge. Bibs seem to slow down the flow, but a cure is not in the foreseeable future. 

- The introduction of solid food into their diets has done some interesting things to their poopy diapers. It's like Let's Make a Deal, only instead of varying prizes behind each door, it's poop. Smelly, colorful poop.

Random Thoughts #10

- I have made two attempts at clipping my children's fingernails. The first ended in uncontrollable screaming (hers, not mine) after one nail. The second ended with blood and some missing skin on Grayson's left thumb. Never again.

- The other night, just to remind everyone who is really in charge, Avery woke up at 11:30, 12:15, 1:30, and 4:00. I really need to stop telling everyone she sleeps through the night. She has ways of finding things out and making me pay.

- Grayson has some sharp little fingernails, and he is not even the least bit choosy about what he sinks them into. He has made me yelp several times. I had to stifle the urge to pinch him back.

- Sometimes, as a parent, all you want in the entire world is for your child(ren) to take a nap. The more you wish for it, the harder it is to get them to sleep. You wrap them up, they cry. You walk them around, they cry harder. You rock them, they scream. Finally, after thirty minutes of grinding your teeth and stifling curse words, they fall asleep in your arms. With the utmost care, you place them gently in their bed, and...the devious little turds pop awake and smile at you, like the whole thing was a big joke.

- In the dark while mostly asleep, I can get out of bed, walk to the nursery, put a pacifier in a baby's mouth, proceed downstairs and make a bottle, and feed said baby, all without stumbling or making a peep. In broad daylight, while wide awake, I have been known to misjudge the number of steps in my own home and fall both up and down the stairs.

- The twins' saliva is like a cross between silicon caulk, spiderwebs, spit, and bubble gum. It's sticky, stretchy, and liquid all at the same time.

- Our babies have discovered methods of communication beyond laughing and crying. Grayson has sort of a high-pitched scream, although I'm not sure that description can do it justice. It's like a horror movie scream, only it has a pitch just below dog-whistle level. It literally hurts my ears sometimes. Avery's scream could be likened to that of a pterodactyl. Not quite as high pitched as her brothers, but just as spine-chilling at full volume.

- WHY IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING HOLY DO YOU KEEP PULLING THAT PACIFIER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!?!?!?!? Just leave it in there. It'll make us both happier in the long run, I promise.

Random Thoughts #9

- The looks in this picture are what I like to call "poopy diaper smiles." Not every one of these smiles comes with a poopy diaper, but every poopy diaper comes with one of these smiles.

- Sometimes getting Avery to eat is like getting a very old vehicle to start. There are about five things you have to do in order to get it going. Also, once they are going, you don't want to stop either one until you get where you want to go, or else they might not start again.

- Both of the babies started sleeping through the night at around two months. They would go to bed around 10:00 or 10:30, and they would wake up around 6:30. This made me very happy. About two weeks ago, just for a goof, they decided to stop this nonsense. Bedtime has been pushed back to around 11:30, and they wake up around 4:30 or 5:00. Once again, I feel they are plotting to steal my sanity.

- Avery's new hypoallergenic formula smells like an old barn. I can only assume it tastes like one as well.

- We are now in the rolling over phase of movement. We now have hungry cries, tired cries, pain cries, and "I rolled over and got stuck on my stomach" cries. These cries are usually preceded by a wide variety of grunts and/or screams.

- It never fails, it I fill up a bottle with 6 oz., Avery will eat 4. If I fill it up with 4 oz., she's still starving when she's finished.

- Holding a baby over your head after they've eaten is not a great idea. I happened to be doing this to Grayson the other day, and he spit up. Only my cat-like reflexes saved me from catching it full in the mouth.

- You would think not doing things like this would be common sense. It just goes to show you that if given the chance, your child will always find a way to make you look or feel like an idiot.

A letter to my daughter...

Dear Avery,

I hope this letter finds you well. You seemed a bit gassy at breakfast this morning, so I hope you don't have a tummy ache. I just thought I'd write you a letter to tell you about some of the things I am looking forward to in our journey together. You could think of it as my "Daddy Bucket List." Some are very small things, and some are very large, but all hold a place in my heart, even though they haven't happened yet.

I've noticed you have been rolling over more lately. That's just marvelous. I can't wait to chase you around the house while you scream and laugh uncontrollably. I might even make up some scary monster names like my dad did for me. Wally Monsterally, Cheechie Muchacho, and Gaga Moonkaka were some bad dudes in my day. I know you'll fall and bump your head, but I will always try to be there to give your owie a kiss.

You've also been talking quite a bit lately, if yelling and babbling incoherently can be considered talking. I didn't want to mention this, but seriously, use some words already. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to our first conversation. I can't wait to hear about all of your hopes, dreams, fears, and anything else that may be on your mind. Just know that no matter what the subject is, daddy will always be there to listen.

The other day we changed your formula, and it turned your poop the color of an old army tent. It smelled like one, too. I sure can't wait until you can deposit those somewhere other than in your pants. In the mean time, would it kill you to keep a straight face while I'm cleaning these diaper bombs up? I feel like your sole purpose for pooping is to laugh as I clean it up.

Seeing you in your baptism dress, and seeing how beautiful you looked, made me think of the other dresses I  look forward to seeing you in. One of those is a wedding dress. I can't wait to walk you down the aisle. I am sure the person you choose will be right for you in every way, and they will treat you like the princess you are.

To keep this letter fairly short and readable, I'll switch to a list format. These are just some random things I am looking forward to. Reading together, playing catch, fishing (I expect you to bait your own hook and take fish off the line), snuggling, your first day of school, graduation, swimming lessons (we'll let mom handle those), teaching you to backflip off the diving board, chores, and telling your daddy how much you love him.

These are just a few of the things I am eagerly anticipating. In just three short months, you and your brother have changed my life more than I could have imagined. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.

Love,

Your Father

A letter to my son...

Dear Grayson,

I hope this letter finds you cheerful. You were a bit mad at me this morning when I had the unbelievable nerve to change your sopping diaper before feeding you. My deepest apologies for that. I am writing this letter to let you know some of the things I am looking forward to in our father-son relationship.

As I have chronicled in great detail, I am a big fan of your farts. I can't wait until you are old enough to appreciate their humor along with me. A man should not be the only one in the room laughing at a fart, unless of course he is the only one in the room. I also look forward to discussing your poops with you, rather than cleaning them up.

As an avid sports enthusiast, there are some things I feel I have an obligation to teach you. The first is how to throw a ball (baseball, football, dodgeball, etc...). Kicking a ball is also essential. If your're going to be throwing and kicking projectiles, it would also be wise to learn how to catch said projectiles. I'd like to teach you how to swing a baseball bat, and a golf club as well (this one may have to be subcontracted out to someone else, my golf swing is a mess). And last, but certainly not least, I can't wait to teach you to shoot a blast double and how to crank over a tight arm bar.

Since we live in South Dakota, it is only appropriate that a father teaches his son the fine art of winter entertainment. Snowballs, snow forts, snowmen, and other snow-based objects will be a staple at the Smith house. Just don't hit your sister in the face with a snowball. Sledding is also a must. I can only hope that the huge pile of dirt in our back yard remains there long enough to send you hurtling down it on a thin piece of plastic.

I hope we share some of the same interests. I hope you love Stephen King novels as much as I do, although I think we'll wait a while before introducing those. I'd like to take you to the gym, although we tried that the other day and it did not work out well...at all. Hunting and fishing are on the list as well, and I am quite interested to see how you react to gutting a fish or cleaning a pheasant. Most of all, I hope you are as devoted and interested in your family as I am.

To save time and space, here are a few others that come to mind: how to tie a tie (we are a Full Windsor family); changing a tire; shaving; driving a stick shift; putting up a tent; carving a turkey; grilling; riding a bike; parallel parking; being respectful and using manners; shaking hands; loving the Florida State Seminoles and San Francisco Giants (I thought about adding the Cowboys to this list, but I don't know if I want my child to go through that pain and misery); rooting against the Vikings, Dodgers, and Cornhuskers; and a thousand other things I can't think of right now.

I love you and your sister more than words can describe, and I just want you to know how thankful I am that I get to be a part of your lives.

Love,

Dad