Random Thoughts #9

- The looks in this picture are what I like to call "poopy diaper smiles." Not every one of these smiles comes with a poopy diaper, but every poopy diaper comes with one of these smiles.

- Sometimes getting Avery to eat is like getting a very old vehicle to start. There are about five things you have to do in order to get it going. Also, once they are going, you don't want to stop either one until you get where you want to go, or else they might not start again.

- Both of the babies started sleeping through the night at around two months. They would go to bed around 10:00 or 10:30, and they would wake up around 6:30. This made me very happy. About two weeks ago, just for a goof, they decided to stop this nonsense. Bedtime has been pushed back to around 11:30, and they wake up around 4:30 or 5:00. Once again, I feel they are plotting to steal my sanity.

- Avery's new hypoallergenic formula smells like an old barn. I can only assume it tastes like one as well.

- We are now in the rolling over phase of movement. We now have hungry cries, tired cries, pain cries, and "I rolled over and got stuck on my stomach" cries. These cries are usually preceded by a wide variety of grunts and/or screams.

- It never fails, it I fill up a bottle with 6 oz., Avery will eat 4. If I fill it up with 4 oz., she's still starving when she's finished.

- Holding a baby over your head after they've eaten is not a great idea. I happened to be doing this to Grayson the other day, and he spit up. Only my cat-like reflexes saved me from catching it full in the mouth.

- You would think not doing things like this would be common sense. It just goes to show you that if given the chance, your child will always find a way to make you look or feel like an idiot.

A letter to my daughter...

Dear Avery,

I hope this letter finds you well. You seemed a bit gassy at breakfast this morning, so I hope you don't have a tummy ache. I just thought I'd write you a letter to tell you about some of the things I am looking forward to in our journey together. You could think of it as my "Daddy Bucket List." Some are very small things, and some are very large, but all hold a place in my heart, even though they haven't happened yet.

I've noticed you have been rolling over more lately. That's just marvelous. I can't wait to chase you around the house while you scream and laugh uncontrollably. I might even make up some scary monster names like my dad did for me. Wally Monsterally, Cheechie Muchacho, and Gaga Moonkaka were some bad dudes in my day. I know you'll fall and bump your head, but I will always try to be there to give your owie a kiss.

You've also been talking quite a bit lately, if yelling and babbling incoherently can be considered talking. I didn't want to mention this, but seriously, use some words already. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to our first conversation. I can't wait to hear about all of your hopes, dreams, fears, and anything else that may be on your mind. Just know that no matter what the subject is, daddy will always be there to listen.

The other day we changed your formula, and it turned your poop the color of an old army tent. It smelled like one, too. I sure can't wait until you can deposit those somewhere other than in your pants. In the mean time, would it kill you to keep a straight face while I'm cleaning these diaper bombs up? I feel like your sole purpose for pooping is to laugh as I clean it up.

Seeing you in your baptism dress, and seeing how beautiful you looked, made me think of the other dresses I  look forward to seeing you in. One of those is a wedding dress. I can't wait to walk you down the aisle. I am sure the person you choose will be right for you in every way, and they will treat you like the princess you are.

To keep this letter fairly short and readable, I'll switch to a list format. These are just some random things I am looking forward to. Reading together, playing catch, fishing (I expect you to bait your own hook and take fish off the line), snuggling, your first day of school, graduation, swimming lessons (we'll let mom handle those), teaching you to backflip off the diving board, chores, and telling your daddy how much you love him.

These are just a few of the things I am eagerly anticipating. In just three short months, you and your brother have changed my life more than I could have imagined. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.

Love,

Your Father

A letter to my son...

Dear Grayson,

I hope this letter finds you cheerful. You were a bit mad at me this morning when I had the unbelievable nerve to change your sopping diaper before feeding you. My deepest apologies for that. I am writing this letter to let you know some of the things I am looking forward to in our father-son relationship.

As I have chronicled in great detail, I am a big fan of your farts. I can't wait until you are old enough to appreciate their humor along with me. A man should not be the only one in the room laughing at a fart, unless of course he is the only one in the room. I also look forward to discussing your poops with you, rather than cleaning them up.

As an avid sports enthusiast, there are some things I feel I have an obligation to teach you. The first is how to throw a ball (baseball, football, dodgeball, etc...). Kicking a ball is also essential. If your're going to be throwing and kicking projectiles, it would also be wise to learn how to catch said projectiles. I'd like to teach you how to swing a baseball bat, and a golf club as well (this one may have to be subcontracted out to someone else, my golf swing is a mess). And last, but certainly not least, I can't wait to teach you to shoot a blast double and how to crank over a tight arm bar.

Since we live in South Dakota, it is only appropriate that a father teaches his son the fine art of winter entertainment. Snowballs, snow forts, snowmen, and other snow-based objects will be a staple at the Smith house. Just don't hit your sister in the face with a snowball. Sledding is also a must. I can only hope that the huge pile of dirt in our back yard remains there long enough to send you hurtling down it on a thin piece of plastic.

I hope we share some of the same interests. I hope you love Stephen King novels as much as I do, although I think we'll wait a while before introducing those. I'd like to take you to the gym, although we tried that the other day and it did not work out well...at all. Hunting and fishing are on the list as well, and I am quite interested to see how you react to gutting a fish or cleaning a pheasant. Most of all, I hope you are as devoted and interested in your family as I am.

To save time and space, here are a few others that come to mind: how to tie a tie (we are a Full Windsor family); changing a tire; shaving; driving a stick shift; putting up a tent; carving a turkey; grilling; riding a bike; parallel parking; being respectful and using manners; shaking hands; loving the Florida State Seminoles and San Francisco Giants (I thought about adding the Cowboys to this list, but I don't know if I want my child to go through that pain and misery); rooting against the Vikings, Dodgers, and Cornhuskers; and a thousand other things I can't think of right now.

I love you and your sister more than words can describe, and I just want you to know how thankful I am that I get to be a part of your lives.

Love,

Dad

Random Thoughts #8

- No matter what kind of day I'm having, or how fussy the kids have been, seeing them smile like this absolutely makes my day.

- Beware of these smiles, they are used to divert attention away from smelly diapers and plots to undermine your sanity.

- I have rapidly changed sides from the "I can't believe you just set your baby in front of the TV" group to the "anything to keep them entertained that doesn't require effort from me" group.

- Last night one of the babies farted so loud it made both of them cry. It's nice to know I'm not the only one whose farts cause crying.

- Avery rolled over for the first time on Father's Day. Of course she decided to do it while sleeping alone at Grandma's house, so no one got to see it.

-  Having people wish me a happy Father's Day feels very weird. The whole day I felt like I sneaked into a party I wasn't supposed to be at.

- The babies have started wearing actual outfits rather than sleepers every day. If I had my way, they would wear sleepers until they were old enough to choose their own clothes and dress themselves.

- This change in wardrobe happens right when I am starting to get very good at those stupid little snaps on their sleepers.

- It absolutely amazes me to see the changes that these babies go through on a daily basis. It's hard to believe they are almost three months old already. I can't wait to see what fatherhood has in store for me next.

Random Thoughts #7

- When both twins wake up in the morning at the same time, our house resembles a circus, complete with screaming/crying/laughing children, the smell of poop, flashing lights, music only children can enjoy, animals (our dog Bailey), and a balancing act (performed by me). I guess you could say I am the ringmaster of this madness.

- The best way I have found to soothe Avery when she is crying is to pick her up and walk laps around our main floor. The loop is so short that if I look down while I'm walking, I get dizzy. This is not a good thing to have happen while walking with an infant.

- Avery also likes to eat while I am walking her around. I am wearing a trail in the carpet.

- While walking, I did some calculations. Each lap is about 40 feet long, which means 132 laps = 1 mile. My average pace is about 5 laps per minute, which would mean I walk a mile every 26 minutes or so. Each feeding/therapy session/walking lullaby takes about 15-20 minutes, and I do it at least 4 times a day. That puts me between 2 - 3 miles a day...in my living room.

- I apologize for all that math, it won't happen again.

- The other morning my two babies were like dueling banjo players, only instead of banjos they were farting back and forth. I could not have been more proud.

- Recently the babies began sleeping through the night regularly. I can not tell you how happy this made me.

- Grayson lets out random grunts/yells in his sleep. I'd like to think he's dreaming of something manly...like wrestling alligators. It's much more likely he's either pooping or dreaming of pooping.

- Avery recently let me know how she was feeling through the use of sign language. She might be a prodigy:

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Random Thoughts #6

I'm back after a long break. Going back to work has really cut into my blogging time. Here goes, some more random thoughts on fatherhood. 

- After tracking the babies' feedings and diaper changes for so long, I have had to catch myself a few times when I go to write down my own trips to the bathroom.

- I am a bit saddened that my daughter no longer looks like Master Oogway from Kung Fu Panda, and she doesn't act like Animal from the Muppets anymore...or maybe that's a good thing. I'm still undecided on this. 

- The first time one of your babies smiles at you for real (not from gas) is an incredible moment. 

- Twin babies attract elderly people like honey attracts flies. Tracy took the twins to Cracker Barrel and said she felt like a celebrity around paparazzi. 

- Last week, the twins slept through the night for the one and only time since they have been home. Of course, rather than enjoying this opportunity to sleep myself, I woke up at 2:30 wondering why they weren't crying. I was wide awake for almost an hour just waiting for them to cry. Of course they waited until I was soundly sleeping again before they started to cry. 

- Dirty diapers have made our weekly garbage weigh about 5x more than it ever did before. 

- We were visiting family for Mother's Day, and from 12:00 when we arrived until 7:00 when we left, the only times they weren't being held was to change their diapers. I think if there wasn't two babies to go around, there may have been some fighting over holding privileges, maybe even some violence. 

- Now that the babies are a little heavier, I have found myself using my belly as a "baby shelf" to give my arms a little break when holding one of them. It doesn't look very flattering, but at this point I'm all about substance over style. 

- Sometimes I will wake up in the night to scratches or gentle rubbing on my back. I start to think "man, this is nice." It's about that time I usually realize that there is a baby crying in the background and Tracy is just waking me up to go feed them. It's quite the disappointment. 

- I now consider any four hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep a "good night's rest."

Random Thoughts #5

- My daughter’s sleepy eyes and facial expressions remind me a lot of Spike from The Land Before Time and Oogway from Kung Fu Panda.

- There are times when I would swear both twins are plotting against me. This thought usually occurs while I am trying to take a nap. Their timing (taking turns crying/fussing/screaming) is just a little too perfect for my liking.

- You know it’s time to give the kids a bath when the dog keeps trying to lick them. It is not an affectionate lick, it’s the one she gives to the empty peanut butter jar.

- My daughter spends about .001% of her day sitting still. Even while she is sleeping, she is constantly moving or grunting. My son, on the other hand, spends about 90% of his day in a semi-comatose state. Even when he eats, his body is completely limp/relaxed except for his mouth.

- Changing diapers while the baby is laying in your lap is just asking for trouble. It only took me four changes of clothes to figure that one out.

- Having male “equipment” never seemed all that inconvenient for me until I had to clean up my son after a full diaper. And when I say full, I mean “poop coming out the leg hole because there’s no more room” full.

- On Saturday, Tracy and I had our first “date” since the birth of the twins. We went out to eat, and then went to get groceries. Welcome to parenthood.

- The other day Grayson woke himself up from a nap with a particularly loud fart. The apple did not fall far from the tree at all. I could not have been more proud.